Southern Manners

In the South manners are a kind of dance. You don’t come right out and say things. You couch them in a subtle, sweet, round-about way.

Everyone knows by saying, “Bless her heart,” you are not really thinking of blessing her heart. You are thinking, “What a dumb move.” And if you add, “She doesn’t know any better.” You mean, “What an idiot.”

In my cross-cultural marriage to a man from Ohio, we’ve had to realize that our communications are not as straightforward as it seems.

Take the simple offer of a cup of coffee in someone’s home in the South.

Southern host: “Would you like some coffee?”

Southern guest: “Oh,no. I’m fine.”

Southern host: “Are you sure? I have some fresh coffee I just bought.”

Southern guest: “I wouldn’t want to put you to so much trouble.”

Southern host: “It’s no trouble at all.”

Southern guest: “Will you be having some too?”

Southern host: “Oh, yes. Let me make you some.”

Southern guest: “Thank you. That would be lovely.”

 

Now the same scenario plays out in a typical home in Ohio.

 

Northern host: “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

Southern guest: “Oh,no. I’m fine.”

Silence.

Southern guest: Dang. I sure could use a cup of coffee. What happened there?

 

I also find that Southerners are not adept at using the command form. We tend towards the question or the suggestion. Don’t let this unusual use of grammar fool you. Though we may say, “Could you move over just a bit?” We really mean, “Move over! You are taking up way too much space.”

We might say, “It really doesn’t matter to me which restaurant we go to, though I suppose I have a slight preference for the Thai one.” What we think is, “Lord, no, please not that Italian restaurant he suggested! I really want the Thai one.”

Those who want to be fluent in Southern learn to take hints as screaming statements and polite agreement with a grain of salt.

So y’all, be sure and tell me if you have any issues with what I’m saying. (Translation: You’d better be really careful what you say).

Purse Problems

I’ve just bought two purses on eBay. I didn’t actually mean to buy two, but I put in low bids on both, expecting to “win” one, and well… I’ve just bought two purses on eBay. They are 9 inches by 9 inches. I’m thinking this will be my sweet spot.

I have purse troubles. I really like those little purses women carry that look so dainty and efficient. I have one. It’s good for a long walk or a short outing, but mine is usually stuffed to the brim. I realize as I’m heading out the door that I have no pocket and the cell phone, keys, chap stick, reading glasses and little wallet make this cute, little purse hard to get zipped shut. It loses its appeal when it is crammed full and you have to play tetris every time you want to get something in or out.

So I have one of those really big purses too. It’s especially good for traveling because I can throw my sweater and various other things in it when going on a plane. (I could carry a small dog, too, if I were so inclined). But I have a problem here also. Even without very much in the purse, I can’t seem to find anything. All the items tend to settle into a pile at the bottom. And it’s dark in there. How can I lose my keys in a purse? I fish out my sunglasses or my handkerchief and miss my keys. It’s embarrassing to have to dig around in this giant bag, because, like I say, there is not that much in it.

So I’m hoping that my recent eBay double purchase will be my answer. Like Goldilocks, I’ve tried the purse that is way too big and the purse that is way too small. I’m hoping that these will be just right.

Bah Humbug!

Let me introduce myself. My name is Ebenezer. Ebenezer Scrooge. I’m not really wild about some parts of Christmas.

I’d really like Christmas to be more like Thanksgiving, but with eggnog and chocolate.

For one thing, there is all that stuff to get out and put around the house – realizing you will have to pack it all away again in a few weeks.

I do like all the lights, though, because it is the “bleak midwinter” after all. And I like a few things we have that remind me of many Christmases that have gone before.

So maybe a little stuff around the house is alright.

Then there is the gift giving. I think my fundamental problem is that gift giving is not my love language. And if you have to go into shops where they are playing Santa Baby for the umpteenth time, my ability to be a cheerful giver is put to the test.

Some people really get into it. They like to shop and wrap and see people smile as they open a gift. Me, I’d like there to be a Santa Claus to take care of all that.

I’m fine with not receiving anything either. Something to eat, drink or use up is what I really want. I’m pretty sure this is a sign of getting older, but Scrooge was an old guy, wasn’t he?

Then there is the large family gathering with lots of food.

This I enjoy. Like I say, it’s Thanksgiving with eggnog and chocolate. A whole day to spend hanging out with people and enjoying special foods and drinks together.

Somewhere in the middle of all this decorating and gift giving and eating and drinking, there is, of course, Christmas itself.

Hopefully at some point in the month, I wake up, like Scrooge, and realize that there is hope in this dark world and a reason to celebrate.

I could run around like Scrooge at this point. In the movies he is fairly goofy and gets that little boy to buy a goose. I’m not even sure where one buys a goose these days. Maybe on Amazon.

So instead I’ll just say, Merry Christmas! From your friend Ebenezer.

The Flying Christmas Tree

The years we went to cut down Christmas trees with our children were always special. One year was most memorable.

We were invited by someone who worked with my husband to come cut a tree at their place in the mountains. They were happy to thin out the trees on part of their property.

We joined a group from his work. First there were cookies and hot chocolate for the kids. Then families went out and found trees and cut them down. Our kids enjoyed the outing.

Then my husband and I got out the bungy cords to attach the tree to the top of the car. This is always a chore and takes some patience and teamwork.

We began the drive home. The tree had a certain lift as it caught the wind. It seemed to pull at the bungy cords.

Our oldest son looked out his window. “Papa, the tree looks like it might come loose.”

“Oh don’t worry,” my husband responded. “It will be fine.”

Our son was not convinced.

Not long after this, a gust of wind came along and lifted the tree from the car. It flew to the middle of the road behind us.

My husband pulled the car over to the side of the road and we all turned around to look. Along came a huge truck, a semi. It went past. We saw in its wake a pile of pine needles.

The tree had been pulverized. It had literally disappeared. We referred to it as the flying, disappearing Christmas tree.

After this we went to our local grocery store and picked out a well-groomed, little tree from some other state. We only had to drive a few city blocks with the tree on top of the car.

The cousins heard the story and composed a song for Christmas. I don’t remember all the verses, but the chorus was “Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree. Why did you fly away from me?”

Happy tree decorating to all of you. May your tree stay where it is supposed to be.